Holding my breath

My lovely wife informed me this morning that she’s ordered me a compression vest and when she told me I think I held my breath. I wrote about my wish to try some form of binding here and said that “I want to know how that will feel, how it will make me feel and what it will do for my self image.” I’ve been thinking about it on and off all day, the knowledge that its on it’s way has raised a variety of feelings. Excitement, fear, apprehension, longing; there’s a faint fluttering in the pit of my stomach and a mixture of voices in my head.

Leo described it well in a post about Wanting Too Much. “I felt a familiar back and forth tug in my gut…. a private longing mixed with an even more private warning: you want that too much.”

I waited until this evening before I asked to see a picture of it because that would make it more real and real equals confronting stuff that might be hard. I’ve looked at myself in the mirror several times today (not something I do often, I’m not keen on mirrors), attempted to pull in my chest and imagine what it would look like, what I would look like.

I didn’t feel like that about the arrival of my first cock because I didn’t know how much it would affect me, I was clueless, it was a toy to be used in the bedroom by both of us. The immense change it brought about happened when it was here and by then it was to late to go back. But this time I’m forewarned, I know it could open up a whole host of new, intense feelings. And yes that scares me, and it excites me. I want this and now (thanks to my beautiful wife) I know that I will have the opportunity to explore something else about myself that has been buried for many years. And until it arrives I think I’ll keep holding my breath.