Bigger

It’s been a little over a year since I started this blog with the words “It’s been a week of firsts and new discoveries”. Substitute “week” for “year” and that sentence is still so true. I’ve learnt more about who I am in the last year than in the whole forty years before that and I’ve had a great deal of fun in the process. I am so happy to be where I am now.

Outwardly very little has changed. I have the same hairstyle as I did a year ago, I’m wearing masculine clothes just as I was then. As I write this I’m even wearing the same boots. But so much has changed inside that I feel like a different person. And particularly in the past few weeks I’ve felt another subtle shift in myself, a feeling I’d describe simply as feeling bigger. I feel like I’m pushing outwards against my own skin, physically and mentally taking up more space. I joked to my lovely wife that I thought my balls had dropped but actually there’s just a solid core of self confidence that I’ve never felt before. Even on down days I can feel it, curled tightly in my gut, solid and so very reassuring.

This core of self confidence comes from the past year’s journey of discovery, everything that has happened has helped towards it. But the overriding factor is acceptance of who I am and who I could be. I’m not afraid of what’s inside me anymore, not afraid to explore the hidden depths because nothing that is me can hurt me unless I deny its existence. And I’m not prepared to do that anymore. For the first time in my life I can look in a mirror and like what I see. Even be proud of what I see.

We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about where this journey would take me and I said “I’ll end up where I want to be”
My lovely wife responded “Where’s that?”
My answer was “I don’t know yet but I am sure I’ll get there.”

And it’s true, I don’t know where I’m heading or what the end result will be. But I am completely certain that whatever happens it will be what I want, because I am in control of my future now.