By any other name

I emailed my mother today to tell her I was changing my name, so far I haven’t had a reply although to be fair I don’t know that she’s read the email yet. I’d like her to reply with “Wow that’s a great idea and a great name. Well done” but that is fantasy, a nice one but still a fantasy. I strongly suspect at some point there will be tears and some recrimination, as well as a disbelieving “but that’s a boy’s name!” The worst reaction would be her saying something along the lines of “Your father wouldn’t like it” and I’m praying really hard she doesn’t hit me with that one because it would be a very low blow.

My dad died a year and a half ago, just a few months before I started my journey of masculine discovery. At times I’ve felt his presence very strongly and do not believe he would be anything except understanding. I dreamt about him a little over a week ago and although I knew in the dream he was dead it was just so wonderful to see him. He had that sparkle in his eyes that I remember so well and miss so much, full of love and humour with just the right amount of impish wickedness. One day I’ll write more about him but right now all I want to say is that the dream felt like a positive sign. It also helped that he was chatting happily to Sinclair who just happened to be visiting. (By the way it was really good to meet you Sinclair, I hope we’ll meet in the real world one day and thanks for being nice to my dad).

I don’t care what anyone else says but I do want my close family to accept and embrace my new name. My mother is the last close family member I’ve told. The kids were all fabulous, really cool about it which I knew they would be because they are truly amazing kids. My sister and brother were a bit surprised but very supportive. I told them before my mother because I wanted to forewarn them that there may be some fallout heading their way.

So now I’m waiting and hoping that my mother will surprise me with a positive response and while I’m waiting I’m thinking about the implications of changing my name. I am convinced it’s the right thing to do, for me, not anyone else but still there is a voice in my head telling me it’s stupid. “You’re attention seeking” “Be quiet because you’re shy”. I thought that voice had been banished but I guess it’s having a final try to stop me exposing my real self to the rest of the world. I’ve made massive progress in the past year but it’s all been behind the scenes, subtle changes that could easily go unnoticed by those who see me regularly in real life. If anyone has noticed that I pack they haven’t said anything and yet my cock is an integral part of me now. Wearing a compression vest everyday makes me feel so much more confident but I’d be surprised if it had occurred to anyone else as a possibility.

But taking a new name and informing everyone of that name is not something that is subtle. It will draw attention to me and to my masculinity. That is a little scary, part of me wants to run and hide, to back down, make myself small and sit quietly in the corner. Thankfully that part of me is not strong enough anymore to win, and regardless of my mother’s (or anyone else’s) opinion, my name is changing.