G at Can I Help You Sir wrote a post about working out recently which has spurred me to write this one. It’s been in my head for a while but now it’s time to get it out.
I’ve been working out, for a couple of months now, weights every other day, at home.
I’ve never exercised, ever, in more than 40 years. I’ve never had the desire or inclination. Even at school, anything sporty was just boring, I hated netball, hockey, gymnastics etc and cross country running meant a nice walk and a sly smoke. Exercise just wasn’t on the agenda and why would it be?
Several months ago my wife started running, I eventually joined in but never really caught the bug in the same way she did. Running isn’t really for me but while I was running I would think about the weights we had at home. The ones we’d used for a short while over a year ago. The ones I’d never enjoyed using but bizarrely now seemed to be calling out to me while I was running (struggling) round the park at 6am.
My body had woken up and suddenly weight lifting was something I needed to do. Not to get fit although that should have been the obvious reason, after all I’m not getting any younger and I smoked for over 20 years so I would certainly benefit from being fitter but actually that’s just a side effect.
The real reason is simple, I want to be bigger. I want to have muscles. I want to flex my muscles. I want to feel like my shoulders are broad and my legs are solid. I want to be strong. I need to be bigger.
I’ve spent a lot of my life making myself smaller, blending into the background so I don’t get noticed but I’m not doing that anymore. Now I’m claiming my space and pushing against the physical boundaries of my own body. It feels like my body is crying out for this change but I know that it’s fueled by what has and is going on in my head. It’s a physical side effect of improved self awareness.
The idea of being more physically powerful is very appealing, it adds “muscle” to the butch/masculine aura that I try to exude and I’m pretty sure my wife is enjoying my improving body. But this isn’t about anyone except me, I’m doing this just for me, moulding the body I already have into a more acceptable form. A form I can live with and accept, maybe even enjoy and be proud of instead of pretending it doesn’t actually belong to me.
Last week I added in squats, sit ups and press ups on the non weight days (don’t ask how many I can do because I’ve only just started!). This has caused a certain amount of hilarity due to my complete lack of body awareness (if you ignore your body for long enough it’s hard to get back in touch with it) but I’m getting better. And I just love it. I’m fascinated by the changes in my body, I can see definition where once there was loose flesh. I can feel my muscles growing, I’m aware of them as part of me and it feels good. It feels very good.
I’ve been working out, for a couple of months now, weights every other day, at home.
I’ve never exercised, ever, in more than 40 years. I’ve never had the desire or inclination. Even at school, anything sporty was just boring, I hated netball, hockey, gymnastics etc and cross country running meant a nice walk and a sly smoke. Exercise just wasn’t on the agenda and why would it be?
Several months ago my wife started running, I eventually joined in but never really caught the bug in the same way she did. Running isn’t really for me but while I was running I would think about the weights we had at home. The ones we’d used for a short while over a year ago. The ones I’d never enjoyed using but bizarrely now seemed to be calling out to me while I was running (struggling) round the park at 6am.
My body had woken up and suddenly weight lifting was something I needed to do. Not to get fit although that should have been the obvious reason, after all I’m not getting any younger and I smoked for over 20 years so I would certainly benefit from being fitter but actually that’s just a side effect.
The real reason is simple, I want to be bigger. I want to have muscles. I want to flex my muscles. I want to feel like my shoulders are broad and my legs are solid. I want to be strong. I need to be bigger.
I’ve spent a lot of my life making myself smaller, blending into the background so I don’t get noticed but I’m not doing that anymore. Now I’m claiming my space and pushing against the physical boundaries of my own body. It feels like my body is crying out for this change but I know that it’s fueled by what has and is going on in my head. It’s a physical side effect of improved self awareness.
The idea of being more physically powerful is very appealing, it adds “muscle” to the butch/masculine aura that I try to exude and I’m pretty sure my wife is enjoying my improving body. But this isn’t about anyone except me, I’m doing this just for me, moulding the body I already have into a more acceptable form. A form I can live with and accept, maybe even enjoy and be proud of instead of pretending it doesn’t actually belong to me.
Last week I added in squats, sit ups and press ups on the non weight days (don’t ask how many I can do because I’ve only just started!). This has caused a certain amount of hilarity due to my complete lack of body awareness (if you ignore your body for long enough it’s hard to get back in touch with it) but I’m getting better. And I just love it. I’m fascinated by the changes in my body, I can see definition where once there was loose flesh. I can feel my muscles growing, I’m aware of them as part of me and it feels good. It feels very good.
4 comments:
Holden!
Good for you man! That's awesome. I am feeling the same exact way. I started working out at the same time that I started taking T and I am seeing and feeling some good results. For a while I didn't know if it was the weights or the T, but I think it's been both. I hadn't ever been athletic or active before this either. I hated exercise, now I crave it. I've been at the gym working out with a trans guy buddy a few times a week.
Holden, that is great. It's the best feeling to get to a place where you match up both internally and externally. I know for me, there is/was a real desire to truly, physically occupy my space. I've always been athletic, so it's not that. It's the satisfaction I get when my muscles are maxed out, my strength feels visible, and everything just fits.
Keep us updated on your workouts. There are a few of us that I know of who are really starting to get into it (Jesse included), and it's always good to have a positive support group.
Blending in and fading into the background is overrated...beef up if you want to, hell yeah... I'm glad you found something that you enjoy... I'm kind of jealous
Thanks for the encouragement. I do find it mildly surprising every morning when it dawns on me what I'm doing! I will keep you all posted
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