I emailed my mother today to tell her I was changing my name, so far I haven’t had a reply although to be fair I don’t know that she’s read the email yet. I’d like her to reply with “Wow that’s a great idea and a great name. Well done” but that is fantasy, a nice one but still a fantasy. I strongly suspect at some point there will be tears and some recrimination, as well as a disbelieving “but that’s a boy’s name!” The worst reaction would be her saying something along the lines of “Your father wouldn’t like it” and I’m praying really hard she doesn’t hit me with that one because it would be a very low blow.
My dad died a year and a half ago, just a few months before I started my journey of masculine discovery. At times I’ve felt his presence very strongly and do not believe he would be anything except understanding. I dreamt about him a little over a week ago and although I knew in the dream he was dead it was just so wonderful to see him. He had that sparkle in his eyes that I remember so well and miss so much, full of love and humour with just the right amount of impish wickedness. One day I’ll write more about him but right now all I want to say is that the dream felt like a positive sign. It also helped that he was chatting happily to Sinclair who just happened to be visiting. (By the way it was really good to meet you Sinclair, I hope we’ll meet in the real world one day and thanks for being nice to my dad).
I don’t care what anyone else says but I do want my close family to accept and embrace my new name. My mother is the last close family member I’ve told. The kids were all fabulous, really cool about it which I knew they would be because they are truly amazing kids. My sister and brother were a bit surprised but very supportive. I told them before my mother because I wanted to forewarn them that there may be some fallout heading their way.
So now I’m waiting and hoping that my mother will surprise me with a positive response and while I’m waiting I’m thinking about the implications of changing my name. I am convinced it’s the right thing to do, for me, not anyone else but still there is a voice in my head telling me it’s stupid. “You’re attention seeking” “Be quiet because you’re shy”. I thought that voice had been banished but I guess it’s having a final try to stop me exposing my real self to the rest of the world. I’ve made massive progress in the past year but it’s all been behind the scenes, subtle changes that could easily go unnoticed by those who see me regularly in real life. If anyone has noticed that I pack they haven’t said anything and yet my cock is an integral part of me now. Wearing a compression vest everyday makes me feel so much more confident but I’d be surprised if it had occurred to anyone else as a possibility.
But taking a new name and informing everyone of that name is not something that is subtle. It will draw attention to me and to my masculinity. That is a little scary, part of me wants to run and hide, to back down, make myself small and sit quietly in the corner. Thankfully that part of me is not strong enough anymore to win, and regardless of my mother’s (or anyone else’s) opinion, my name is changing.
Sunday, 28 June 2009
Sunday, 14 June 2009
Bigger
It’s been a little over a year since I started this blog with the words “It’s been a week of firsts and new discoveries”. Substitute “week” for “year” and that sentence is still so true. I’ve learnt more about who I am in the last year than in the whole forty years before that and I’ve had a great deal of fun in the process. I am so happy to be where I am now.
Outwardly very little has changed. I have the same hairstyle as I did a year ago, I’m wearing masculine clothes just as I was then. As I write this I’m even wearing the same boots. But so much has changed inside that I feel like a different person. And particularly in the past few weeks I’ve felt another subtle shift in myself, a feeling I’d describe simply as feeling bigger. I feel like I’m pushing outwards against my own skin, physically and mentally taking up more space. I joked to my lovely wife that I thought my balls had dropped but actually there’s just a solid core of self confidence that I’ve never felt before. Even on down days I can feel it, curled tightly in my gut, solid and so very reassuring.
This core of self confidence comes from the past year’s journey of discovery, everything that has happened has helped towards it. But the overriding factor is acceptance of who I am and who I could be. I’m not afraid of what’s inside me anymore, not afraid to explore the hidden depths because nothing that is me can hurt me unless I deny its existence. And I’m not prepared to do that anymore. For the first time in my life I can look in a mirror and like what I see. Even be proud of what I see.
We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about where this journey would take me and I said “I’ll end up where I want to be”
My lovely wife responded “Where’s that?”
My answer was “I don’t know yet but I am sure I’ll get there.”
And it’s true, I don’t know where I’m heading or what the end result will be. But I am completely certain that whatever happens it will be what I want, because I am in control of my future now.
Outwardly very little has changed. I have the same hairstyle as I did a year ago, I’m wearing masculine clothes just as I was then. As I write this I’m even wearing the same boots. But so much has changed inside that I feel like a different person. And particularly in the past few weeks I’ve felt another subtle shift in myself, a feeling I’d describe simply as feeling bigger. I feel like I’m pushing outwards against my own skin, physically and mentally taking up more space. I joked to my lovely wife that I thought my balls had dropped but actually there’s just a solid core of self confidence that I’ve never felt before. Even on down days I can feel it, curled tightly in my gut, solid and so very reassuring.
This core of self confidence comes from the past year’s journey of discovery, everything that has happened has helped towards it. But the overriding factor is acceptance of who I am and who I could be. I’m not afraid of what’s inside me anymore, not afraid to explore the hidden depths because nothing that is me can hurt me unless I deny its existence. And I’m not prepared to do that anymore. For the first time in my life I can look in a mirror and like what I see. Even be proud of what I see.
We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about where this journey would take me and I said “I’ll end up where I want to be”
My lovely wife responded “Where’s that?”
My answer was “I don’t know yet but I am sure I’ll get there.”
And it’s true, I don’t know where I’m heading or what the end result will be. But I am completely certain that whatever happens it will be what I want, because I am in control of my future now.
Friday, 12 June 2009
Sugasm #167
The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #168? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.This Week’s Picks
Dementor
Fat Ass Betty
Full Circle
Going where no one has gone before
Bending over for some harsh cane stripes
Digging a hole, is that the way you treat me
Lick me
Preparing for Punishment: part one
Puppy’s first visit
A Salute to Masturbation May
SF Treat
Subs: How to NOT Apply
That Look
Thoughts about the play party and Femdom.
Under 40 ~ The New Kinky Bar
What Kind of Submissive Are You?
Every Time You Orgasm, An Angel Gets Its Wings
“There is nothing that screams “fuck you” to the pain and the hurt in the world than screaming “fuck me” to the person in your bed.”
HNT: Spanked
“I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. But tonight, I was sure.”
A Thousand Kisses
“This wasn’t enough. I knew that I had to try something else.”
Mr. Sugasm Himself
Congratulations, you’re invited!
Sugasm Editor
Sex Work And Honesty: Religion
Editor’s Choice
Food, fun and commitment
(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)
NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Chloe
HNT
Love HNT Part II
So Many Stripes
Valentina Vaughn
Video Q&A #1
Dementor
Fat Ass Betty
Full Circle
Going where no one has gone before
Sex Humor
Adventures in Craigslist (and a belated HNT)
Erotic Writing & Experiences
Ass-tute
Conversations about Crossdressing (Early Morning Version)
A Feast of Cock
Gender Fuck
Her Favorite Positions - The Conclusion
I Can’t Get No…Contraception
Lessons from an Orgy
Lilly’s Turn - Part 2: Wherein One Good Turn Deserves Another
Mirrors
Must be the weather…
New Perspective
Party.
Picture of Propriety
Playing with Dolls
Please don’t book me ever again
The Poet Surrenders
Rebirth In An Orgy
The Synestheatre
Wet dream at the airport-part1
A Wicked Birthday Bang
Bending over for some harsh cane stripes
Digging a hole, is that the way you treat me
Lick me
Preparing for Punishment: part one
Puppy’s first visit
A Salute to Masturbation May
SF Treat
Subs: How to NOT Apply
That Look
Thoughts about the play party and Femdom.
Under 40 ~ The New Kinky Bar
What Kind of Submissive Are You?
Sex Advice
How to be bisexual on the internet
How to Give a Tantric Breast Massage
Sometimes You Need A Break…
It’s Good to be the Intern
Kink Interview: Thomas’s Spanking Exploits
LELO Luna Beads: Because You Deserve Them
Product Review: Intimate Organics Energizing Fresh Orange & Wild Ginger Foot Foreplay Lotion
Top 5 Tuesday - Sun, Sand and Smut!
Thursday, 4 June 2009
That Look
The circumstances of life have prevented us having any time alone in the house for quite some time and there are some things which are just so much more fun without the threat of being overheard. But on this night we are alone; an empty house and scope for indulgence in the noisiest of activities. There is always the temptation to squeeze as much as possible into these times, to play every game and use every toy, to run riot with the myriad of possibilities and risk losing the chance to savour their individual flavours. Resisting that temptation can be hard. So I focus on the two things that I crave eternally, to spank you and to fuck you.
To start I bring you over my knee so I can feel your weight pressing down on my thighs and my cock. The simple intimacy of the position and the physical contact between us make it one of my favourites. I reach down to your calves for the first few slaps watching the pressure of your toes against the floor as I hit you. The silk dress that covers your thighs feels good to stroke but better to spank, smooth and soft against my palm. I warm your skin through the silk, occasionally stopping to flatten out the inevitable wrinkles over the curves of your cheeks. Unhurried, I uncover those cheeks although as always I’m torn between a leisurely reveal and rapid, harsh exposure.
With your dress around your waist and knickers at the top of your thighs the spanking continues, gentle, light taps because there is still a long way to go and so much more I want to do. Your pale skin is flushed now, the alteration of colour sending thrills down my spine and of course directly to my cock. Bracing one arm across your back I finish with a volley of persistent and solid smacks which make you visibly flinch. Sitting back I consider filling my hand with your hair so it overflows through my fingers, tugging hard and watching the shock spread through your whole body but I reject the thought, this time.
The scene shifts but the spanking continues. Now you’re bent over the chair, silk dress hanging open at the front and knickers discarded. My belt buckle is unyielding in my hand as I wrap the worn leather over your fair flesh, again and again and again. There’s an exclusive, personal touch about using my belt, a secret shared by you and me, there for all to see and no one to know. I’m not gentle, by now the demon is taking over but the slickness between your legs tells me you need it that way. I sit down, as you watch with hooded eyes. I unzip my cock and you obey willingly when I tell you to sit astride me. Your eyes change dramatically as my cock fills you, always, without fail, the revelation. I push up, pull your hips roughly down, study your face and fuck you. I allow you to come because I want you to be grateful and my cock slick with your juices when you get down on your knees to suck me.
You are stripped and surrendered face down on the bed, head buried in crisp sheets, wrists chained to ankles. The position looks uncomfortable but it presents your bottom so perfectly for the paddle and your cunt is ideally placed for the inevitable fucking that will follow. I know the first whack hurts but I continue. I see you flinch and squirm, watch the redness of your upturned tender bottom deepen and hit you harder. I taunt your slippery and enraged clit, play with your desire then bring the paddle down again. I can see the pain swell through you but the involuntary words that come spilling from your lips are all the encouragement I need. I strike you fiercely and relentlessly.
The view of your freshly spanked bottom enthralls me as I circle my cock in my hand, press it to your clit and rub its length. I could easily come like this, jacking off between your legs, cock rammed against your clit. But instead I enter you, hold tight to your hips and thrust, it is so very good, so faultless fucking you like this. The powerlessness of your predicament, your inability to move and the complete lack of eye contact impels me to use you. You are simply my toy, my possession, mine to exploit. But I have no doubt you want it this way, you push back at every stroke, take as much as you can and yet always desperate for more.
To finish I have you on your back, wrists chained to ankles and legs spread wide allowing me all the access I require. Your delectable cunt is open and wanting, I enter you again, deeply but slowly, restraining myself as much as I can although I’m ready to explode. As I increase the pace, driving in and out with swifter strokes you give me that look. Your eyes dare me, encourage me, will me to let go, I’ve seen it so many times now, defiant, strong, powerful and utterly clear. That look. As always it inflames me, incenses me, allows me to relinquish control and fuck you with honest abandon, true to myself.
To start I bring you over my knee so I can feel your weight pressing down on my thighs and my cock. The simple intimacy of the position and the physical contact between us make it one of my favourites. I reach down to your calves for the first few slaps watching the pressure of your toes against the floor as I hit you. The silk dress that covers your thighs feels good to stroke but better to spank, smooth and soft against my palm. I warm your skin through the silk, occasionally stopping to flatten out the inevitable wrinkles over the curves of your cheeks. Unhurried, I uncover those cheeks although as always I’m torn between a leisurely reveal and rapid, harsh exposure.
With your dress around your waist and knickers at the top of your thighs the spanking continues, gentle, light taps because there is still a long way to go and so much more I want to do. Your pale skin is flushed now, the alteration of colour sending thrills down my spine and of course directly to my cock. Bracing one arm across your back I finish with a volley of persistent and solid smacks which make you visibly flinch. Sitting back I consider filling my hand with your hair so it overflows through my fingers, tugging hard and watching the shock spread through your whole body but I reject the thought, this time.
The scene shifts but the spanking continues. Now you’re bent over the chair, silk dress hanging open at the front and knickers discarded. My belt buckle is unyielding in my hand as I wrap the worn leather over your fair flesh, again and again and again. There’s an exclusive, personal touch about using my belt, a secret shared by you and me, there for all to see and no one to know. I’m not gentle, by now the demon is taking over but the slickness between your legs tells me you need it that way. I sit down, as you watch with hooded eyes. I unzip my cock and you obey willingly when I tell you to sit astride me. Your eyes change dramatically as my cock fills you, always, without fail, the revelation. I push up, pull your hips roughly down, study your face and fuck you. I allow you to come because I want you to be grateful and my cock slick with your juices when you get down on your knees to suck me.
You are stripped and surrendered face down on the bed, head buried in crisp sheets, wrists chained to ankles. The position looks uncomfortable but it presents your bottom so perfectly for the paddle and your cunt is ideally placed for the inevitable fucking that will follow. I know the first whack hurts but I continue. I see you flinch and squirm, watch the redness of your upturned tender bottom deepen and hit you harder. I taunt your slippery and enraged clit, play with your desire then bring the paddle down again. I can see the pain swell through you but the involuntary words that come spilling from your lips are all the encouragement I need. I strike you fiercely and relentlessly.
The view of your freshly spanked bottom enthralls me as I circle my cock in my hand, press it to your clit and rub its length. I could easily come like this, jacking off between your legs, cock rammed against your clit. But instead I enter you, hold tight to your hips and thrust, it is so very good, so faultless fucking you like this. The powerlessness of your predicament, your inability to move and the complete lack of eye contact impels me to use you. You are simply my toy, my possession, mine to exploit. But I have no doubt you want it this way, you push back at every stroke, take as much as you can and yet always desperate for more.
To finish I have you on your back, wrists chained to ankles and legs spread wide allowing me all the access I require. Your delectable cunt is open and wanting, I enter you again, deeply but slowly, restraining myself as much as I can although I’m ready to explode. As I increase the pace, driving in and out with swifter strokes you give me that look. Your eyes dare me, encourage me, will me to let go, I’ve seen it so many times now, defiant, strong, powerful and utterly clear. That look. As always it inflames me, incenses me, allows me to relinquish control and fuck you with honest abandon, true to myself.
Pleasurists #31
via beyondporno
Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #30? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #32? Submit it here before Sunday June 7th at 11:59pm PDT. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.
Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.
- Ginger Leigh’s Fabulous Shopping Spree! Deadline: Friday, June 5, 2009.
- Win a Bootie plug by Fun Factory! Deadline: June 5th.
- Giveaway: Win two bumpy glass dildos! Deadline: June 12th, 2009 at midnight PDT.
- Gag Anyone? Deadline: June 12, 2009 11:59pm
Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
On to the reviews…
Editor’s Pick
- Baby Jesus Buttplug by Red
The Baby Jesus butt plug looks like a sweet little babe all wrapped up in a blanket – fresh from the manger, one would presume. He tapers down to a nice narrowed butt plug neck at the bottom of his baby cocoon, and is propped up on a nicely flared base. His adorable little face is innocent and cherubic, and frankly, not super distinctly “Jesus” looking.
Note: When the review gives me a boner just from seeing what the item being reviewed is I can’t not make it my pick of the week. Seriously, though, it’s always wonderful to see a review of a unique product and I especially love how the review was defended in the comments, like she said: “While some might not like/buy/see a point in this product, some might think exactly the opposite. That’s the beauty of individuality!” I’m definitely one of those opposites! While I’d seen the product before this is the first review I’ve seen.
Vibrators
- LELO Nea by CarrieAnn
- Evolved Symphony G-Harmony by Lithaewyn
- The uPapa Drumming Massager by Themistokles
- Snugglepuss by Arron Leone
- Boss Lady by Holden
- Hello Kitty Vibrator by Thursday’s Child
- Boss by Oggins
- Clit Kisser by The Duchess
- Pocket Rocket Booster by The Countess
- Be Be by Epiphora
- Fusion Duality by Holden
- FunFactory Gallant (aka Galan) by Exploring Intimacy
- XTreme GPack Bullet by Carnivalesq
- OhMiBod by Epiphora
Dildos
- Fun Factory Share by Miss KissThis
- RubyGlass21 Yellow Flicker by Sexorcism
- Share by Epiphora
- Tantus Acute by Miss KissThis
- Rainbow Mega Nubby Glass Dildo by Ansley Agnello
- Climax Silicone Ribbed G-shaft Dildo by CarrieAnn
- Sedeux Flare by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew
- O2 Revolution by Ginger Leigh
- Indigo Intruder by Aurore
- Phallix Threaded Steel Wand by CarrieAnn
- RubyGlass21 Good Vibe by Sexorcism
- Blueberry Twist Juicer by Red
- Share by Carnivalesq
Anal Toys
Toys for Cocks
- Big-Ass Pussy by CarrieAnn
- Top Gauge Pressurized Penis Pump by Thursday’s Child
- Dual Slider Cock Ring by Beautiful Dreamer
- Minerva by Epiphora
Lube, Bath Stuff, & etc.
- Yes! Pure Intimacy Lube by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
- BabeLicious Lube - Dulce de Leche by Sexorcism
- ConAir Heated Lotion Dispenser by Themistokles
- ID Moments Lube by Miss KissThis
- BabeLicious Lube by True Pleasures
- Sensuous Soak Kit by Sexorcism
- Naughty Nympho Sexual Arousal Cream by The Countess
- Lust Cosmetics by Domina Doll
BDSM/Fetish
- Fur and Leather Flogger by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
- Sportsheets Blush Kit by Marla Singer St. Syr
- Beaded Nipple Clamps by Beautiful Dreamer
- Hogtie by Sinclair Sexsmith
- Pink Bondage Tape by Beautiful Dreamer
Adult Movies/Porn
- Who’s Nailin’ Paylin? - Adventures Of A Hockey MILF by The Porn Librarian
- Pleasureville by FrzKey
- Lesbian Life - Real Sex NYC by J.D. Bauchery
- Wives’ Secret Fantasies by The Porn Librarian
- Girlvert 13 by FrzKey
- Seasoned Players by Sexorcism
- Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex #1: Cunnilingus by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival
Shoes & Lingerie
- Black Latex Gloves by Domina Doll
- Black Patent Thigh High Boots by Red
- Red Satin and Lace Bustier by Beautiful Dreamer
- Black Platform Mary Janes by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival
Miscellaneous
- Bare As You Dare Harness by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
- The ShockSpot fucking machine by Themistokles
- Liberator Fascinator Throe - Shag by Beautiful Dreamer
- Intimate Dancer Vibrating Pussy Pump by Eliot Bodem
- Silver Pearls by Sleeping Dreamer
Sunday, 31 May 2009
Review - Boss Lady
And I can understand why it’s called Boss Lady. This vibrator from Babeland and made by Fun Factory is imposing, solid and well my first thought on opening it was wow! It is described as being “hefty” and yes it is as well as being soft and beautifully shaped. As soon as I saw it I felt confident it would perform well and I wasn’t disappointed.
The Boss Lady I received is black which I’m very happy with. It has a clever booster button on the bottom, press it and it boosts the vibrations. The other specs are size 8-3/4” x 1-3/5”, made from silicone, batteries are 4 AA. It’s also splash friendly and shower friendly and although I’ve yet to test that I’m certain it will be and I look forward to proving it.
The vibrations are very good with decent variations of speed and rhythm. The booster button gives you an extra element of control and the noise level is low. It’s curved in the right place with a shaped head and feels great to touch. Two very minor criticisms, the boost button is hard to hold down, and at full throttle the end with the controls are vibrates so much it’s a little difficult to operate.
This is not your average vibrator, it looks and feels like it’s built to last. It does a good job - and going solo or with a partner this vibrator from Babeland would a welcome addition to any toy box. In my opinion this is a first rate toy and I’d recommend it to anyone. I know I’ll be happily reaching for it for a long time.
I made a mistake, I let you choose. The first time you got it right, a small and gentle vibrator which you held beautifully against your clit while you sucked my cock. But for the second choice you picked the Lady Boss, you did what I asked you but I was hoping you would pick the Boss Lady last. I wanted to see you take it with slight hesitation in your eyes. I wanted to see you hold it in your slender and fine hands. I wanted to see you guide the black head and curved shaft smoothly in and out of your cunt. I made a mistake, I let you choose but that’s ok, next time I just won’t give you the choice.
Review - Fusion Duality
The Fusion Duality, made by Evolved and available from Babeland is a double headed vibrator. The two heads vibrate independently from each other, two for the price of one thus giving it 16 possible vibration patterns, sounds great so far. The two ends are also shaped differently, one rather pointy end for g-spot stimulation and the other with some interesting ridges. The idea is it can be used with a partner, the practice isn’t quite so straight forward.
The Fusion Duality comes in a lovely metal tin, packaged extremely well and looks the business. Relatively hefty and solid it’s made from ABS plastic so it’s phthalate free and washable with soap and water. It takes 4 AA batteries and is a total of 10-1/2 inches from tip to tip. It is quiet and the vibrations are really good but I just didn’t find it as exciting as I hoped. Maybe it’s because it’s hard plastic and I’m really very fond of silicone toys with a bit of flexibility. It is very rigid and while 16 different vibration combinations sounds great getting the combination right for both of you isn’t easy.
As a vibrator it is fine, no complaints, it’s attractive and has easy controls. It is waterproof so it’s brilliant for some shower fun but it doesn’t quite ‘do what it says on the tin’ at least not for both of you at the same time. I like the Fusion Duality but certainly not as much as I’d hoped.
Hands flat against the shower wall, slippery tiles providing little grip but firmly planted feet and the support of my arm around your waist means you aren’t going anywhere. Water splashes liberally over your shoulders and down your back in a continual stream. I edge your legs further apart with insistent nudges and gentle kicks. I’m momentarily fascinated by the water as it finds a new route over your cheeks and round to your inner thighs where it disappears between your legs. Then I press the ridged end of the duality hard against your twice wet clit.
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