Clues

I’ve been thinking about my childhood this week, and growing up gay in a northern English town. I’ve been looking for butch clues, working backwards to understand the recent moves forward. I’ve remembered plenty of clues, for example it’s only in the last few years I realised that not all dykes grow up wanting to be the prince who rescues the princess, some of them want to be the princess. When I was young my parents took us to the pantomime every year. A great British tradition where the prince (or hero) was always played by a female lead and the princess was also played by a female lead. Great role models for aspiring butches and femmes. I always wanted to be the prince; my beautiful wife however assures me she always wanted to be the princess.

I was also constantly mistaken for a boy, maybe not so much of a clue as a fact of life. I can’t, no matter how much I try, remember how I learnt to fasten a tie. I feel like I’ve always had that particular skill, I must have learned how to do it at a very young age. At school I was very disappointed that the girls weren’t allowed to wear the school tie, that felt like a big injustice. I had a dolls house that I can’t ever remember playing with except when I used it to jump off, I also don’t remember any dolls although I’m sure I had them. I do remember a set of cavalry figures and horses which I loved, seeing similar toys now still makes me smile. I loved being out on my bike but was incredibly envious of my brother who had a chopper bike. I also envied his racing track and electric cars.

The list of clues goes on and I recognised them as clues to my sexuality which of course they were to a certain extent. What I missed was the fact they also pointed to my butchness. In some ways it doesn’t surprise me that I missed that fact (or suppressed it), being butch back then wasn’t an obvious or valued path. Particularly in a town where the gay scene consisted of one fairly shitty pub opening its doors to the gay community on a Tuesday night. And where the few butch women had “the man” attached to their forenames (e.g. Pam the man) by their own community. There wasn’t a huge amount of understanding of butches and femmes around me at that time.

I did try a couple of times to step onto the right path, the butch path, but without any real understanding of what I was doing or where I was trying to go. Once I was working I bought several second hand mens suits which I wore to work for awhile. I’m not sure why I stopped. But I did for years just settle into being an average androgynous dyke, bordering on butch but not quite getting there. Well that’s different now, I am identifying as butch, thanks to my beautiful wife I now have several smart suits in my wardrobe and I am connecting more and more each day with my cock. It makes me sad to think that our wider community didn’t and doesn’t have a greater understanding of gender but I’m hopeful that will change.

She said ......

.... I looked handsome, strong and butch. That’s what my beautiful wife said, the other night after we’d made love. After we’d come together, my cock inside her, entwined in each others passion. We were lying naked on our bed. Satisfied, joyous, content and comfortable in each others love. It made me proud that she saw me that way, it made me want to always be handsome, strong and butch for her. It was one of the most wonderful things she could have said to me and in the years we’ve been together she has said some wonderful things.

Just in case I haven’t made it clear here already I just want to say that I adore my beautiful wife. She amazes me. Everyday. And everyday I love her more. The changes we’re going through recently have underlined this more than ever. She has accepted and encouraged and embraced my discovery of my cock. She has welcomed it as part of me and welcomed me into her. I don’t have the words to express how much her acceptance, love and advice has meant to me over the past few weeks. Without her this process would be so much harder. In fact without her I don’t believe it would ever have happened.

So I just want to say thank you my beautiful wife, my soul mate, my other half, my angel, thank you and never forget that I adore you. Your love makes me feel handsome, strong and butch. You make me complete.

Visible/Invisible

When I packed for the first time I knew it wouldn’t be the last, I knew fairly quickly that I would want to pack the next day and the next and the next. My dilemma was do I pack in public, do I go outside, go shopping, take the rubbish out with my cock tucked safely and happily in my trousers. Opportunities to pack at home for any length of time would be scarce, I didn’t want to dress for an hour and then undress to go outside, that option felt too painful. So packing in public would happen. I talked it over with my beautiful wife who, as ever, clarified and re-assured me. I wear shirts a lot, not tucked in, my beautiful wife pointed this out, my shirt would hide any visible bulge. She also pointed out that most people wouldn’t be looking in that area, that even if they did they would think I had something in my pocket and that even if they realised I was packing they were not likely to say “by the way is that a cock in your trousers”

So I packed, my beautiful wife checked me from every angle for visible signs and assured me that it wasn’t obvious, that no-one would know, that my cock was invisible to the outside world. We went out (shopping for a new cock actually) and while I was nervous it felt good, I felt good and I got over the fear of packing in public fairly quickly. But I’ve noticed that in the last couple of weeks since I’ve been packing I do feel the need to express the presence of my cock in other visible ways. I want to dress in more masculine clothes, I do dress in “mens” clothes anyway but the desire to present myself as more masculine has increased. I’m drawn towards wearing ties with my shirt, or a waistcoat, the opportunity to wear a suit is appealing and eagerly anticipated, I want to increase the amount of suits in my wardrobe.

The other day I picked my beautiful wife up from work. I came home from work myself, got dressed in my cock, put on a tie and a waistcoat. I felt good and left the house to collect my beautiful wife. But when I was waiting for her I felt somehow exposed, like I was wearing invisible trousers. The tie and waistcoat in my head would mean that everyone who saw me would know that I was packing. My invisible cock felt visible. I know that’s not true, and I did after awhile feel less exposed but my head is full of contradictions on this issue. I will pack in public but no one will know, I’ll wear a shirt and tie making me look more masculine but that makes me feel exposed. But I want to wear a shirt and tie because I somehow want the world to recognise the change in me.

I think that’s probably the key, I have discovered my cock and that is a major event in my life yet the only person I can share my joy with is my beautiful wife (and whoever may be reading this). Therefore I want to visibly demonstrate my discovery of my cock in the only way I know how: by being visibly more butch to the outside world. I have imaginary conversations where I tell people about my cock, they go something like this;

When meeting friends for coffee

Me: Hi how are you? Good to see you. How’s your week been?

Friend: Great I got that new book I was telling about, it’s brilliant. How about you?

Me: Fantastic. I discovered I’ve got a cock, its great. And I learned how to jack off, and I’ve started packing. Feels marvellous

Friend: Wow that’s brilliant, good for you. Do you want cake with your coffee?

Ok so I know that’s not likely to happen anytime soon, but maybe one day - and it does amuse me to imagine what people would say.

Time to pack

My apologies in advance if this post isn’t very coherent but I feel I need to get these emotions out while they’re fresh and active. I’ve just come home from work; I haven’t packed today which was fine for most of the day until it was nearly time to come home. What I experienced has happened before on those days when I’ve been in the office and haven’t packed. I’ve been packing for less than two weeks but it happens every time I leave work having not packed all day.

An hour or so before its time to leave I start to get butterflies in my stomach, I think about my cock more and more, finding it difficult to concentrate on the work I’m supposed to be doing. I do think about my cock a lot when I’m not packing (and when I am!) but it increases. I plan the order I’ll do things when I get home to see where the moment I get “dressed” properly fits in. By the time I leave the office and go to the car my stomach is in knots, I know that if I hold my hand out it will be trembling slightly. I get in the car and even though the car is hot where the sun has been shining on it all day I know I’m hotter than I should be. I have to concentrate really hard driving home, not a long drive thankfully.

The moment I get dressed settles me, makes me relax, makes me feel whole. I can’t explain why I’m so wound up about it, why I so desperately want to have the physical manifestation of my cock attached to me. My cock is there in my head, an invisible part of my body so why do I feel the desperate need to pack? Part of me wants to pack all the time, 24/7, part of me is strongly resisting this temptation. Not because I think it’s wrong or mad or weird but because I’m frightened it will take over the feminine part of me, squash or change it somehow. Maybe, after being dormant for so long, my masculine side has the right to try an assert itself, maybe that’s what's happening and in time it will level out, I don’t know right now. All I do know is that these feelings are very strong, very powerful, and I’m not going to listen to the voice that says “don’t pack today” . Instead I’m going to listen to what my beautiful wife would, I’m sure, tell me which is to not deny myself what is turning into one of my most basic and fundamental needs.

And then there were 3.... continued

I’m quite proud of myself that I’ve managed to go from having no cocks to 3 in less than a month so here’s a bit more information about each of them.

The first was a Wirly Girly 3 Silicone Dildo from Sh! Womens Erotic Emporium. We got it with a bullet that slips in the base of the cock. Good fun but can be a pain to turn on when your hands are covered in lube! It was being used extensively until my second cock arrived and we both enjoyed it very much. It’s now the cock I’m packing with; when the bullet is removed it leaves a space in the base where the cock can bend easily. My beautiful wife suggested I use one of her hair ties to secure the tip of my cock to my harness and so far this is working well for me. The base that goes behind the harness is quite flat and comfortable. Its also heart shaped which amuses my beautiful wife as it often leaves an imprint. It’s probably still firm enough for spontaneous sex but we don’t often have the opportunity for that. We bought my harness from Sh! as well, Double Strap Harness

My favourite cock is the Mistress from Vixen Creations, silver glitter (bought from our local emporium) It’s really lovely, firm and I like the shape. I love putting it on as part of getting ready for bed and seeing how my beautiful wife responds to it. I did try packing with it but the large base made it a bit uncomfortable, and I like it so much I didn’t want to damage it by keeping it bent for a long time!

The third cock is Fun Factory’s Share Silicone Double Dildo in pink. I haven’t tried it yet due to circumstances so we’ll see how it goes.

I’m sure that it won’t take too much time before I’ve added another cock to my collection. I love the idea of having a choice of cocks to suit my mood, outfit or the particular fantasy we’re playing out.

Who I was and who I am

I’ve been thinking a lot about where I am in terms of my identity. I have always been boyish, had short hair, dressed in mens clothes. When I first came out this was pretty much how all dykes looked so it wasn’t difficult to follow the trend.

As I’ve got older I’ve clarified my identity, this hasn’t been a concious process, more a process of maturing. For me one of the most important aspects of my identity is to be a “gentleman”. This desire comes mainly from a strong admiration for my father. He was a gentleman, a strong man with strong family values and a great sense of humour. He was a working man who always provided for his family, looked after us, loved and protected us without judgement. The phrase “you’re just like your dad” is one of the highest compliments you could pay me.

Over the past week I’ve struggled with my discovery of my cock thinking that it changed my existing identity. I felt shaken to my foundations because I am a forty year dyke who believed she was comfortable with who she was. I thought I’d changed fundamentally somehow as a person, that I would have to re-establish who I was all over again. I now realise that’s not true, I’m exactly the same person I was a week ago but now I’m more complete. My cock was always there, discovering it simply finishes the picture, like finding the missing piece of the jigsaw, a really vital piece which makes the whole picture make sense.

I’m coming to believe that the process of becoming a “complete” gentleman will in the long run make me a more complete woman because I’ll be a complete person.

And then there were three....

The first, the favourite and the ...............

I'm not sure yet as it only arrived today and I haven't had a chance to try it!

Lets get packing!

I’d come to the conclusion, partly sub-conciously, through conversations with my beautiful wife and by reading the excellent advice given by Sugarbutch that I wanted to try packing. My excuse to myself was that as part of the build up to an evenings entertainment it could be fun and exciting. The first day I packed was a day that, unusually, my beautiful wife and I would have the house to ourselves. This doesn’t happen very often so we’d decided to have some fun outside of the bedroom for a change. We both knew I was going to “dress” for dinner so to speak and we both dressed up for the occasion. By the time I got home from work that day I was beside myself with anticipation, I was actually shaking when I got in the car to go home.

Getting “dressed” for the first time was exciting, thrilling, stimulating and most importantly…. it felt right. I discovered my cock and I loved it, it truly became mine that evening, part of me. A part of me that had always been there but never expressed, acknowledged, thought about or even dreamed about before. It also became a part of me that I would never deny again or that I would ever want to deny. That would be wrong.

That evening was trully amazing in every sense for my beautiful wife and I. We connected on every level, mentally, physically, emotionally. We’ve been together for several years and have always had a very close relationship, open and honest, full of love and trust. Now it feels as if every wall we had ever erected to protect ourselves (from others, not each other) have fallen down, the final barriers in our subconcious minds that we didn’t even realise existed, suddenly no longer exist. Its an amazing feeling to be so at one with each other.

Strapping it on (and will I ever want to take it off!!)

So the dildo and harness arrived. I was at work when it arrived but my beautiful wife very kindly sent me an email to let me know, as well as a couple of photos! You can imagine I got a lot of work done that day. I was excited and looked forward to the evening when we would get to play with our new toy. When I got home we admired our new purchases and discussed who would wear it first, it all seemed very natural, but I still didn’t realise the significance of what we were about to do.

Bedtime came, I strapped the harness on (with a little help), put the dildo in, my beautiful wife admired my new addition. Without going into too much detail all I can tell you is that the kick I got from using the strap on was incredible, at this point I hadn’t taken ownership of our new toy but that ownership was becoming more apparent. My beautiful wife told me that my pupils dilated and that I was a natural. It was fantastic, I adore making love to my beautiful wife but this exceeded any expectations I had. We were so connected, joined I couldn’t get enough (and still can’t).

We did take turns, shared our new toy so we both experienced both sides of the pleasure. I’ve never had any problems with penetration; I love to be fucked by my beautiful wife, that will never change. Even since we have both realised that the cock is my cock I’m still very happy to lend it to her so she can fuck me. I get a real kick out of seeing my beautiful wife wearing my cock. It’s a bit like coming home from work to find she’s borrowed my favourite shirt (only magnified by about a million times), I feel proud, it makes me desire her even more, it makes me wet and ready.

That was the pattern for the next week or so, we spent a lot of time “practicing” with our new toy, we had a huge amount of fun and many fabulous orgasms. But somewhere under the surface I think we were both realising who the cock belonged to, it wasn’t really discussed out loud, although we did talk around the subject. We’ve been together long enough and understand each other well enough to have unspoken dialogues going on which we both understand. That’s what happened here, we both knew where we were going, our sub-conscious minds were working together towards the same end.

The next step for me was packing, I doubt if I would have considered this possibility quite so quickly or readily if my beautiful wife hadn’t been so supportive and understanding, thank you my angel. She pointed me in the direction of Sugarbutch Chronicles and thank you sugarbutch for some excellent and inspiring advice about butch cock and packing. I took your advice and it really helped.

Where it began (or when the door was unlocked)

How did this start? I’m not sure, it probably started years ago, its probably been locked away in a quiet room of my sub-concious waiting (patiently) to be set free. I want to start the story somewhere so I’ve thought about when the door to that room was unlocked and this is when I think it may have happened.

Several weeks (possibly months) ago my beautiful wife and I were in our local ladies “toy” emporium when we had a brief conversation about harnesses and dildos. I can’t remember this conversation but I think this may have been the point when the locked door to that quiet room opened. We’ve used “toys” before but never a harness and dildo, using any “toys” has also been a relatively recent development. Our sex life has always been great, the best sex I’ve ever had or ever imagined having but I was brought up with a Victorian attitude to sex and find it a very difficult subject. The only person I’ve ever had open and frank discussions about sex with is my beautiful wife. My reaction to the suggestion of a harness and dildo was, I’m told, slight horror and I have no difficulty believing it was.

However the next time the subject was broached I was much more open to the idea, it had, I guess, filtered into my sub-concious and unlocked that door. About 3 weeks ago we did discuss the possibility of buying a harness and dildo again and I did consider it seriously. We looked at different options together, it was a fun thing to do, it was also an eye opener for me in some ways. We chose a harness and dildo that we both liked, they were ordered and duly delivered. The thought excited me but I think the main focus of that excitement was the idea of my beautiful wife wearing the harness and lovely pink dildo. At that point I had no idea that I would a) get such a kick out of wearing it b) feel so comfortable with it c) want to wear it anywhere other than the bedroom.

I (we?) didn’t know that the dildo would become the physical manifestation of my cock, that I would start packing, that I would embrace it with such pleasure and that my sex drive would go through the roof.

I’m not packing today, I’m at work so didn’t feel it was an option. I also wanted to have some time where I wasn’t packing having spent the last four days packing. I wanted to know how I felt without it. The honest answer is I’m not sure, I don’t know if I’ve slipped into the routine of being at work and so it’s not being an issue. But I am thinking about it, I’m trying not to but I am and I don’t know if when I leave work and go home I will get my cock out and put it on. I’ll let you know.

Recent events have had a very profound effect on me and I do feel like I’m fighting some demons along the way with these discoveries, my Victorian attitude to sex, the potential attitudes of the “real” society that I live in. I also know that I’m not alone and that not only do I have my beautiful wife supporting me but also that there are many places to turn for support in the online community. To finish this post and as a way of counting my blessings or finding the sliver lining I’m going to tell you what I like about my new cock.

I like

• its firmness (I’ve been hard packing)
• the secret knowledge shared only by my beautiful wife
• the way it touches my thigh, almost a touch of reassurance
• the outline, shape and bulge in my boxers
• the way it stands proud when released from the band that binds it to my harness
• to press it against my beautiful wife so she knows how I’m feeling about her
• the way my beautiful wife unzips my trousers and …………….

Firsts and new discoveries

It has been a week of firsts and new discoveries. Good discoveries (I think) but surprising and startling ones. This is a first for example, I haven’t written a blog before and I didn’t ever imagine I would. The blog is however the least surprising first, and is simply a means of expressing my thoughts and feelings about the other firsts. The reasons for the blog, well at the age of forty I’ve discovered packing, I’m packing now and have been almost solidly for four days. Four days ago I’d never packed before and three weeks ago had never even considered the idea. I knew what packing was but hadn’t ever felt the need to try it or if I’m honest didn’t really understand why dykes would do it. Other firsts, my beautiful wife sucked my new cock and it blew my mind, totally and utterly, thinking about it now I’m still overwhelmed by the experience. Also (with the help of my beautiful wife) I learned how to jack off, another mind blowing experience. I’m writing this now because I want to try to understand these new discoveries and also document the journey my beautiful wife and myself are embarking on.

As you may be able to imagine theses new discoveries have had a profound effect on me. I’ve been an out dyke for over 20 years and always knew I was gay, I thought my lesbian identity was set but I’m now learning that there’s more going on in my head and with my body than I’d ever imagined. I think I’ve discovered a physical manifestation of the cock I’ve always had but was never consciously aware of, I’m happy being female and wouldn’t want to change anything about my body but I now have an additional body part, one I can feel, one that is highly sensitive and very sexual.

I have a multitude of thoughts and ideas on the subject, which I will try to write down with some kind of clarity in future posts. I have talked all of this through with my beautiful wife, she has been totally supportive and has added her own ideas which have helped clarify mine. As there are too many things to talk about in one go and because I’m still processing a lot of information I think I’ll finish this first post by saying that I’m glad that I’ve made these new discoveries. I look forward to exploring the possibilities of my emerging gender and that the reason I think its happened now is because I’m in an amazingly secure, loving and supportive marriage.