It’s been a while since I’ve written a post, in fact it’s been a while since I’ve written anything that’s not work related. I have wanted to write both for here and butchfemmebdsm but I simply haven’t had the time, blogging has had to take lowest priority unfortunately. The past couple of months I have been pretty snowed under with work, but I can now see light at the end of the tunnel and I’m hoping to be able to post more frequently on both blogs. I feel a bit rusty but thought I’d try to get back in the swing with a post that has been simmering at the back of my mind for some time now.
I’ve been thinking about a memory from childhood and its relationship to where I am now with regards to BDSM, power and control. I have a vivid memory of watching a film called Ryan’s Daughter probably when I was in my early teens. I don’t recall very much of the film but I know from looking it up that it was set in Ireland in 1916 and told the story of an Irish girl who had an affair with a British officer. The storyline is actually not really important as far as this post goes, but what is important is the reaction my child self had to one particular scene in the film.
The villagers find out about Rosy’s (Ryan’s Daughter) affair with the British officer and she is accused of passing information to the army (it’s actually her father who is the informant, but that’s not relevant either). By way of revenge an angry mob get hold of Rosy, cut her hair off, strip her naked and throw stones at her. My memory of most of the film is very vague and even my memory of this particular scene is hazy, but what I do remember is my reaction to it as I watched it. I was horrified. Not by the hair cutting, (in fact I can’t even remember that happening) and not by the stone throwing, but by Rosy’s nakedness in front of the baying crowd. This scene affected me so much that it has stayed in my memory for all these years, popping up every now and then and always bringing back a hint of my original horror.
What I’ve been thinking about is why did it have such a profound effect on me, both as a child and in its remembered state? Nakedness was not part of my childhood, we were very much a ‘cover everything up and don’t talk about it’ family (and in many ways I’m not just talking about nakedness). Most of my childhood holidays were spent in a tent or caravan, and to this day I swear I could easily get dressed and undressed in sleeping bag! Obviously I had seen some partial nakedness on TV etc but this was before cable TV when there were only 3 channels, so my experience was slim. But that said, I can’t see my lack of experience leading to horror at the sight of a naked woman; interest, excitement, wonder yes but horror no.
I know it wasn’t just the nakedness which struck me, there is in my memory a definite link with the “exposure” of Rosy in front of a crowd. Her lack of control and inability to escape are tied firmly to the feelings I had. The cutting of her hair doesn’t figure in my memory at all and the stoning is there but doesn’t bring strong reactions, which considering it was quite violent is surprising. It is definitely the combination of Rosy being naked in front of the crowd which induced the reaction which has stayed with me for all these years. I could put it down to my own discomfort with my body, particularly as I was probably going through puberty at the time. The thought of being naked in front of complete strangers certainly horrifies me now, so at such a tender age I can well imagine that particular scenario producing an intense reaction.
But remembering this scene with new (kinky) eyes I do wonder what the actual cause of my strong negative feelings was. I enjoy exposing my wife when I’m in control, it often figures strongly in BDSM play and fantasy for me. The power to strip away layers of clothes, the power to completely expose and control that exposure turns me on. I love the fact that I can gaze at will, whenever, however and for as long as I want in an intensely intimate way. This realisation and acceptance of what, due to my upbringing, I would once have considered wrong or dirty is still new to me. I’m exploring these feelings and many others, which is why I’ve been re-considering this particular memory. I strongly suspect that as a child Rosy’s complete lack of control and her nakedness in front of the crowd actually excited me, and I was horrified by my excitement NOT by the scene itself.
Copenhagen pictorial (3)
2 hours ago
